Goal achieved!

That celebratory picture of Banjo means that I achieved my goal of losing three whole pounds A WEEK EARLY! According to the Wii Fit. This means that over the course of the month I've nearly lost half a stone. Which is most impressive, for me anyway.

I can't say I've varied my routine much. Five minutes of step to warm-up, twenty minutes jogging and five minutes of skiing to cool down again. However the combined efforts seem to have been paying off! I still crave alcohol like a social media consultant craves free WiFi, but it's a definite improvement. The idea will be to keep on working out into the next month.

One thing I'm not craving is the Wii exercise bike, which appears to be the biggest game peripheral outside of installing an Afterburner roll cage in your living room.

Surely just get a bike?

The Spy Who Loved Wii...

OK confession time: I fell off the wagon on Saturday, but as it was my mate Steve's leaving do I feel alright about it. However am firmly back on the trail now. And having thought about the warm-up last week, I now come to the warm-down, which for me mainly involves the Wii-Skiing or, if you like Skwiiing (actually, no, that's horrible).

The best bit about the slalom course is nothing to do with the Wii. Though I enjoy bending back and forth like a reed in the wind, the real fun comes from leaning into the go-faster zone and trying to complete the course as fast as possible. The other trick is to crank-up the iPod with the best of Bond Themes. Nothing beats skiing on the Wii as you hurtle down the slope with Carly Simon telling YOU and no one else the NOBODY does it better than YOU. This also works well with the ski jump when you can pretend it really is the beginning of The Spy Who Loved Me and your parachute will be covered in the Union Jack. A more leisurely ski might involve Nancy Sinatra's You Only Live Twice or even Rita Coolidge's All Time High from Octopussy. If you fancy moving across to the snowboard Duran Duran works best allowing you to recreate the opening of A View to a Kill with Roger Moore as the world's most urbane snowboarder.

Some company must realise the potential for doing a skiing, driving, shooting Bond game for the Wii using the balance board and motion plus, now that would keep you fit...

Warm it up

How do you warm-up for the Wii? I have to confess I can't be arsed with all the stretching in the actual game (I do stretch myself before hand). The problem is: the lovely female virtual instructor's face is white and due to the dodgy video properties of the Wii, the whiteness bleeds out any features of her face making her look like that terrifying photo-bloke from that equally terrifying Sapphire and Steel story.

So my preferred method is the step, although for some reason I am rubbish at it. I like to think I have rhythm, I used to DJ and once upon a time understood beat-mixing very well indeed, but nowadays the Wii seems to think I'm awful. As I stomp on and off the board it keeps saying 'OK' with only the occasional 'Perfect'. Hardly motivating.

The other thing is - who ARE all those people watching a step aerobics class. They're so easily entertained they seem to cheer every step. Idiots.

Jog, jog, jog, but not chug.

In an attempt to ramp up the Wii Fit cash yesterday I opted for a twenty minute jog that the Wii reckoned was somewhere in the region of 5km. Nice! It was a highlight of my first completely booze free weekend in a long time. Luckily I had lots of odd jobs to be getting on with and only really felt down when I was in the pub on Friday night, supping diet coke from a plastic beaker reserved for children watching Ricky Ponting smash us all over the park for another Aussie win.

The one thing that is happening is sleeping properly. Both Friday and Saturday night I went to bed REALLY tired which seemed to be a great bonus. Last night I slept for nine hours. Almost unheard of.

Latest tunes listened to while jogging:

Hedley Verityesque - Half Man Half Biscuit
We Built this City on Rock and Roll - Jefferson Starship
Pacific 202 - 808 State
Trance Europe Express - Kraftwerk
Spacelab - Kraftwerk

Wii Fit exercise regime

Can man lose weight on the Wii Fit? This month I intend to prove this is the case. I've decided, in the run up to Christmas that I need to get fit and that I can use video games to do it.

Self-discipline is they key. When I wasn't such a fat bastard and I was going to the gym regularly it was nice, clean and a refreshing place to go. One's front room should ideally be a shrine to slobbery, my sofa is parked right in front of the telly. Looking on it as an exercise space will be the first challenge.

I've also quit drinking for the month, for the first time in a LONG time. It's going to be the thing that will spearhead the attack on my gut. It should ease the pain when it comes to regular exercising.

Interactivity while exercising is an odd thing. It was easy for me to get into the habit of staring into space and listening to music or the radio while pounding the crosstrainer or running machine, but the Wii requires you to engage with what's happening on screen, apart from the free running mode which I can foresee myself using more of for my main athletic work-out.

Also - Wii Sports and Wii Sports Resort can they be used in your exercise regime. I expect so. And what will Project Natal hold for the interactivity and virtual worlds of exercise. Over the next month, I intend to find out.

Wii Fit activity Weds Sep 30th

19 mins

Super Step, Jogging (island circuit), Super Hula Hoop

Gears of War 2 - what's next?

Yesterday I finished Epic Games excellent Gears of War 2 in all its adrenaline-pumping, locust-killing, macho-posturing glory. While the gameplay was fast, furious and fun - never frustrating, it did get me thinking to how a game's plotting and dialogue actually work, because there were some moments in GOW2 that were beyond parody...

1. Cole Train. Comedy black guy.

Cole's main skill in attacking the Locust is to shout at the top of his voice like a WWE wrestler and spout such cliched dialogue that you'd believe his script was written by a bunch of fourteen year old boys raised exclusively on the movies of James Cameron and Jerry Bruckheimer. Every time he opened his mouth it made me wince. I'm not asking for Ibsen, but this guy was basically Michael Clarke Duncan in Armageddon times a million...

2. Come to think of it only one black guy.

The developers have taken great pains to tell your four key Gears apart. Marcus has a bandana, Dom has a beard, Baird has blonde hair and Cole is black. However it doesn't say much for racial diversity, I wonder if there are any pressures from international sales governing the development of games characters?

3. And one woman.

The Gears team's control is Anya, the only female not to be a victim in GOW2. Why isn't she on the ground, suited and booted? Where were the female Gears? Even in 1986 Aliens - the games developers character/story bible from now until the end of time - had Vasquez. Pathetic.

4. Really deep voices.

Marcus Fenix must smoke like fifty a day, fair play, I mean the man puts his arse on the line for humanity every second of the day, the least he can do is light-up. However as this reminds me of Christian Bale's ridiculous Batman voice, I simply can't take it seriously.

5. Dom's back story.

Dom, your kill-partner is tortured by erotic memories of his love Maria in scenes nicked totally from The Thin Red Line. This was always going to end badly. In Terrence Malick's movie, Ben Chaplin's spirit is broken when he discovers his love has left him. In Gears of War 2, Dom's spirit is broken because she's been transformed into a Locust husk that Dom has to shoot. It's still moving mind, but another terrible cliche.

Of course the plot of a game should never get in the way of the essential game elements themselves - ie blowing away creepy-crawlies and chainsawing bad guys, however is it too much to ask to get some better dialogue and characterisation written? I'm offering my services, game people, right here and now.

Halo Wars review

This time on video, apologies for quality, Youtube mangled it a bit, may use Vimeo next time.

XBox 360 send me a Valentine's gift

HOW exciting! It's been YEARS since I got a Valentine's Day surprise from anyone other than the gf or the cat so you can imagine how excited I was when a red package turned up on my doorstep. My initial thought was that it was from the Chinese and was some sort of Chinese New Year Celebration present - "Mr Rivers, thank you for your continued patronage of our country's fine exported food emporiums and takeaways, here's some money." However I quickly realised this was not the case.

So far so, mysterious, opening the red box simply revealed another box. It was a riddle wrapped inside an enigma, wrapped inside cellophane.

And the behold! It was from XBox360. They loved me this much? I swooned in a way usually reserved for wet cousins in Jane Austen novels. I unwrapped the shiny plastic, teased off the ribbon and slid my fingers into the box.

I gasped! A completely red controller! How sweet! This was a pretty cool present to receive I must admit... and probably the best one I've had for V-DAY for a while!



But I was a bloke... How would a member of the opposite sex react if I gave them the same token gesture? I decided to try it on my friend Kyla and see...

I tried the card first, how often was it a major corporate entity wished you a Happy Valentine's Day? Surely that's what it was all about? I tried to counter the look of disdain by offering the box.

I have to say this did not go down much better. The look turned from disdain to "What the fuck is this?" "For two player Gears of War?" I countered, there must be nothing more romantic than that! Kyla shook her head in disgust. I had one final try to convince her. With a gentle fingering, I teased back the red satin inside the box...

"See? It comes with batteries, it MUST be a girl's best friend!"




John will probably be spending Valentine's Day alone in the pub following the events outlined above.

Digitiser

I HATE YOU LEWIS!

As many of you will realise i have been out of the gaming, err, game for quite some time, however one of my favourite reads, back int he day, outside of Amiga Format or Zero was Teletext's completely surreal but nonetheless brilliant Digitiser.

Rude, controversial and very funny Digitiser poked fun at the games industry, fanboys and, as they said, "hated everyone equally".

Characters such as Mr T, Morse and Lewis, The Man, Socky the Sock, Zombie Dave and Fat Sow were but few of the multitude of figures gracing a seemingly innocent computer games section.

You can read all about Digitiser (complete with the run-ins the team had with Channel 4's Teletext producers) here or jump on the Fan Archive here and read the Man's brilliantly surreal diary.

And of course, Mr T's problem page:

"Dear Mr T, I'm a submarine commander, and sometimes when I dive my ears pop. Can you help?" Commander Collis

MR T SAYS: "I don't know much about submarines, Commander, but if Mr T ever finds you GOING through his bins AT ANY TIME, Mr T will be out HIS backdoor and ON you in a SECOND with a WRENCH."

Learning to Love Lara (again)

What is it about girls from Public Schools? The education and the accent for one thing. The thought that spending most of their time surrounded by other females deprived of male attention, feeds a fantasy that under the properness they're testosterone-hungry sirens is another. 

Oh yeah, and then there's the 34D cupsize boobs that stay perfectly in place while she spits bullets from two 9mm automatics that are kept strapped to her thighs in a crude imitation of a garter belt.

Over the years, since the first release of Tomb Raider in 1996, it's been hard not to see Lara Croft as a bit of a joke. She is a 14 year old wank fantasy, even her original designer Toby Gard protests that he wishes "they hadn't made her breasts so big".

I honestly believed the series to be dead. On Sunday I sat through Lara Croft Tomb Raider The Cradle of Life ("We need a snappy title... how about something eight words long?") in which Angelina Jolie's Lara is hired by MI6, along with Gerard Butler (who probably has the words 'something for the ladies' under his Spotlight listing nowadays) to take on some sort of Bond villain who wants to hold the world to ransom with chemical weapons. It was severely lacking in two respects: tombs and raiding. It was like the director Jan De Bont had been handed a James Bond script, reversed some of the genders, added in a monster and asked for his pay cheque. In short it was dreadful.

Lara arrived in the film by somersaulting a jet ski over a wave and then hoisting her dripping, bikini-clad self up on to a boat. For this reason I assume a lot of teenage lads have slow-mo functions on their blu-ray players. Lara was a cartoon.

So it was with some understandable trepidation that I started to play Eidos and Crystal Dynamics' Tomb Raider Underworld. Having been told that it had some 'visually stunning moments' by one of the less-rabid games magazines I decided it might be nice to look at on my telly. 

The opening of TRU is stunning. A slow-motion, reversed pull-back through the burning Croft Manor while suitably epic choral chanting is heard in the background sets the scene for something new, taking Lara in a new direction perhaps, wiping the slate clean. You're then invited to watch a series of cut scenes from other games to explain what's going on. I skipped these, if you can't tell a story without relying on the 'Previously' recap then you should go back to the drawing board. Luckily the smart plotters had included what I needed to know - a week before the destruction of Croft Manor Lara goes looking for something that may hold the key to finding her supposedly dead mother who might still be alive in a parallel universe called Avalon.

Armed with this sweet notion about reuniting the family I dove in. Literally. And spent the next four hours exploring a lost Norse underwater city.

Lara's probably never been so able to interact with her environment. Walls can be scaled, columns shinned up, cliffs rappelled down. Amazingly, her cleavage never gets in the way. The same goes for the acrobatics, Lara doesn't just climb up to something, she does a handstand and spiders up to it. It might be amazing in the bedroom for her, but you'd need a harness and six months training with the Moscow State Circus to keep up. 

And then I got the 'Wow' moment, as I ran into a chamber filled with one giant pissed-off looking Octopus.

That was the moment when I realised how much I had missed Lara and was taken back to the first game when the T-Rex first appeared. It wasn't about Angelina Jolie's accent* or the ridiculous outfits - it was about exploration, puzzle-solving and giant Harryhausen monstrosities. Second Life had spoiled me in terms of 3D exploration, all leisure time, no one shooting at me and more often than not completely deserted, but TRU showed me once again how exciting a game like this could be.

Surely the time for team exploration and not something as frenetic as World of Warcraft is here? I'm not talking about an XBox Live version of Time Team, but you must be able to create vast cave systems or castles that groups explore together online, pitting their wits and reflexes against other teams. Perhaps such a game does exist, but for now the XBox Live experience seems to be one about the team killing of underground insects, zombies, Nazis or underground-insect-Nazi-zombies. There must be a way of bringing TRU's puzzle-solving to a team environment... so for now I'll stick with Lara, the perfect partner... but only when it comes to scaling cliffs and killing giant creatures.

*In TRU Lara is voiced by Ashes to Ashes star Keeley Hawes who does a great job of putting on that voice you want to say "You've been a very naughty boy, now go to my room."

What else could you do with the camera?

Does the Xbox have a social gaming killer app?

Arguably you could say yes: a) XBox Live offers plenty of opportunity to play together or b) I've got Rockband/Guitar Hero World Tour - surely that counts?

What it wasn't was You're in the Movies, though unlike Guitar Hero etc, the marketing, Burt Reynolds and all was placed very squarely on Nintendo's doorstep. The difference was suggesting that the camera, a feature the Wii does not have, would be enough to make you and your family clown around in front of the TV.

That You're in the Movies did not perform well in the reviews was not surprising, but does this mean the end for the Xbox Camera? Well not necessarily. The opportunity is to use the camera socially.

Let's say you want a create a room for you and your friends or family. You put the room together in the program beforehand, make it as strange, beautiful or crazy as you want - an island paradise, a space station, a replica of your own living room. The room is then uploaded to the Xbox Live server and becomes your private chat space. All you do is sit in front of the camera and your live image is uploaded to the room, other people you invite to your room can do the same and there you have live, virtual chat. Use it for fun or board meetings.

Anyway I'm not suggesting this will save the XBox camera as a peripheral of choice, but it would be interesting to see if using it could be developed in some way, however limited.