Yesterday I finished Epic Games excellent Gears of War 2 in all its adrenaline-pumping, locust-killing, macho-posturing glory. While the gameplay was fast, furious and fun - never frustrating, it did get me thinking to how a game's plotting and dialogue actually work, because there were some moments in GOW2 that were beyond parody...1. Cole Train. Comedy black guy.
Cole's main skill in attacking the Locust is to shout at the top of his voice like a WWE wrestler and spout such cliched dialogue that you'd believe his script was written by a bunch of fourteen year old boys raised exclusively on the movies of James Cameron and Jerry Bruckheimer. Every time he opened his mouth it made me wince. I'm not asking for Ibsen, but this guy was basically Michael Clarke Duncan in Armageddon times a million...
2. Come to think of it only one black guy.
The developers have taken great pains to tell your four key Gears apart. Marcus has a bandana, Dom has a beard, Baird has blonde hair and Cole is black. However it doesn't say much for racial diversity, I wonder if there are any pressures from international sales governing the development of games characters?
3. And one woman.
The Gears team's control is Anya, the only female not to be a victim in GOW2. Why isn't she on the ground, suited and booted? Where were the female Gears? Even in 1986 Aliens - the games developers character/story bible from now until the end of time - had Vasquez. Pathetic.
4. Really deep voices.
Marcus Fenix must smoke like fifty a day, fair play, I mean the man puts his arse on the line for humanity every second of the day, the least he can do is light-up. However as this reminds me of Christian Bale's ridiculous Batman voice, I simply can't take it seriously.
5. Dom's back story.
Dom, your kill-partner is tortured by erotic memories of his love Maria in scenes nicked totally from The Thin Red Line. This was always going to end badly. In Terrence Malick's movie, Ben Chaplin's spirit is broken when he discovers his love has left him. In Gears of War 2, Dom's spirit is broken because she's been transformed into a Locust husk that Dom has to shoot. It's still moving mind, but another terrible cliche.
Of course the plot of a game should never get in the way of the essential game elements themselves - ie blowing away creepy-crawlies and chainsawing bad guys, however is it too much to ask to get some better dialogue and characterisation written? I'm offering my services, game people, right here and now.
